Ink
Third Year
--~~~^< .....It's a snake
Posts: 103
|
Post by Ink on Nov 8, 2011 15:30:42 GMT -8
QT
Play Pretend
Rating: G
Word Count:127
Warnings: Character Death
Sirius Black had figured out long ago that quidditch could be used as a metaphor for almost anything. Death was apparently included.
The duel itself was like the last game of seventh year, full of cheating, and half planned strategies, and improvising, and determination to win. Except in this game, it was literally life or death.
He had stood still for too long, and Bellatrix’s wand sent a curse like a bludger straight into his chest.
He was soaring through the air, the only thing missing was his broom.
And the veil blocked the archway like the most resolute of keepers,
and. . .
and. . .
And he can pretend all he wants, but the duel is not a quidditch game, and he is still dying.
|
|
|
|
Post by kohane on Nov 8, 2011 15:51:35 GMT -8
This is okay. Not enough detail for my taste for one.
Post modified by Jess on 08/11/11
|
|
|
|
Post by Rachael on Nov 8, 2011 15:55:22 GMT -8
I agree with Kohane. While tastefully written and an excellent use of a metaphor, the drabble could have been fluffed out a little more. I did like it, though.  |
|
|
|
Post by kohane on Nov 8, 2011 15:58:39 GMT -8
Like a pillow! No one likes a pillow that's hard a flat(though they won't hate it and said pillow may even be their favorite) but they always enjoy a good soft fluffy pillow....*wants to lay down on tiny bed with soft pillows* lol I'm such a spazz. lol
|
|
|
|
Post by Rachael on Nov 8, 2011 16:00:13 GMT -8
Yes, Kohane, you're a spaz, but we love you! ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by kohane on Nov 8, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -8
lol gee thanks |
|
Ink
Third Year
--~~~^< .....It's a snake
Posts: 103
|
Post by Ink on Nov 8, 2011 16:24:24 GMT -8
It's supposed to be flat. I realize that there isn't much there for "meat" but that's supposed to show that Sirius is just barely grasping onto his this idea. He wants to deny that he's dying, but he can't, so he doesn't do it well, showing only the bare minimum of connection between quidditch and death, because he's almost in denial and is just grasping at straws.
As for the QT thing, I apologize, I wasn't aware, I must not have read the rules carefully enough. And I don't remeber your friend telling me this, however I may just not have read it yet.
Sorry.
|
|
|
|
Post by Rachael on Nov 8, 2011 16:27:52 GMT -8
S'alright, Ink! Everyone makes mistakes!  That's what we're all here for, to point each other's mistakes, and get better with every post |
|
|
|
Post by kohane on Nov 8, 2011 17:04:03 GMT -8
Indeed. As long as you fix and learn from said mistakes ^_^
|
|
Bec
Ministry Employee
Procrastination -------------# (it's a wand)
Posts: 1,098
|
Post by Bec on Nov 8, 2011 17:30:11 GMT -8
I really like how you've linked suffering in Quidditch matches to Sirius dying. I also get why you wouldn't want to fluff it up too much either. I doubt that when you're dying your thinking of sunshine and rainbows and how colourful and pretty everything is.
|
|
Ink
Third Year
--~~~^< .....It's a snake
Posts: 103
|
Post by Ink on Nov 8, 2011 17:54:25 GMT -8
Thanks so much, I'm glad you get it!
|
|
|
|
Post by kohane on Nov 8, 2011 19:46:16 GMT -8
Well that's not what we meant by fluffing it up. We meant to put more detail into it, describe things a bit more. However we both feel that the story is great as is, and understand what Ink meant. Fluffing it out was meant in the same way as I had used Meat. Not in a bright happy sort of way, but a details sort of way, describing the links between Quidditch and Death etc etc.
At least that's what I meant by it and what I'm almost positive Woody19 meant by it. She'll have to confirm that herself though, since I cannot totally speak for her.
|
|
|
|
Post by rachy on Nov 8, 2011 21:25:55 GMT -8
This has a wonderful brevity to it that I really enjoyed! Great job |
|
|
|
Post by Elienp on Nov 8, 2011 22:19:03 GMT -8
To be honest its brevity doesn't bother me, and I really liked the last sentence, good job |
|
|
|
Post by jazzyjess on Nov 8, 2011 22:36:07 GMT -8
This was a very emotional piece - I love what you've done with the metaphor, and I can almost see it as it happens! Great job!
|
|
