Post by Elienp on Oct 5, 2011 12:15:51 GMT -8
Title: Selfishness
Words: 830
Rating: PG
Warning: once again the beginning is a letter, the end (after the […] ) belongs to a diary
Summary: She didn't think life would be so hard without them.
I love you.
It seems so simple to write, why is it so hard to say?
I have never told you. Will I have the opportunity to do it? I don't know. Everything is so uncertain.
I won't lie to you. I'm not safe, I haven't been for a long time. I can't blame anybody though, it's my choice. I chose to follow him. I will stay with them until the end.
The end. It makes me shiver to think about what would happen if we don't succeed. Would you be safe? No, not if he wins, and it terrifies me because if it happens, I certainly won't be there to protect you.
Can I hope for a bright future? I don't dare. I don't dream any more. Nights are painful. I always wonder if I'm going to live through them to see the sun rise again.
Magic is terrifying, it has condemned us to live in fear. I hate magic, and yet I know I won't ever give it up. It's a part of me, like I'm a part of it.
I've never talked to you about it either. I didn't know if you'd understand. You can't do magic, I can. You are muggle, I am not, not entirely at least.
Sometimes I wonder... wondered if I was really your child. Our situation isn't new - muggle parents who have a child able to do magic - it has already happened and will certainly happen again in the future...
Forgive my doubt, but it's sometimes easier to doubt than to face the truth.
If I wasn't your child, magic would have nothing to do with you. Your lives wouldn't be threatened... so much.
If I wasn't your child... But it does nothing to think about what could have happened.
I am your child. I'm proud of it, proud of you.
What am I writing this to you? I don't know. I need to do it. I need to tell you my fears because I can't tell them to the guys. They would understand, sure, but what good would it do?
I don't want to add my worries to theirs. They have enough to deal with on their own.
Then why am I bothering you? I have no answer... I just need to write my thoughts or else I think I might break down.
I need you. I need you more than anyone else in that world. I need you but I can't be with you, it would kill you.
My birth has made you their targets. I won't allow my weakness to put your lives on the line more than they already are.
I love you. I need you. I am a little girl who needs her parents.
I'm pitiful, crying over the scroll. I think the beginning of my letter will be unreadable because of the tears. I'm sorry. I feel sorry.
Will you forgive me for being weak? Will you forgive me for what I have done? For what I have taken from you? Because I stole your lives, your memories, your happiness. Merlin, I feel so sorry! I would like to be with you, to hug you, to tell you how much I love you.
I owe you everything, so much I won't ever be able to return the favour. I know you think I'm not supposed to, but it's not my opinion. I want to give you as much happiness as you gave me. I want to help you as much as you helped me. I want...
I'm selfishly talking about my desires again.
My eyelids are falling, if you were there, you would be telling me to go to bed straight away.
But you are not there...
[…]
I can't help it. I wrote to them again and, once again, I didn't finish the letter. How many have I already half-written? Five? Ten? More?
It's really stupid, I can't even send them – if they were finished of course – what if the Death Eaters found them because of my recklessness?
I can't allow myself to be selfish. I have to think about their safety first, it doesn't matter if it means I have to stay away.
I will do anything for them, I will endure anything, as long as I know they're safe... But it's hard. I'm not as strong as they all seem to think I am.
How many times did I lock myself away from the others to cry? My tears won't fall in front of them. Harry and Ron need me to be strong, my parents need me to be strong... Merlin, I didn't think life could be so painful!
If only I could hug my parents. If only... Crap! I'm crying again.
I miss them so much.
Will they be safe? Will we win?
I've remarked I always write these two questions when I'm about to put my pen down....
When will I get the damned answers?
Awarded 10 Points, by Zoe, on October 5 2011.
Words: 830
Rating: PG
Warning: once again the beginning is a letter, the end (after the […] ) belongs to a diary
Summary: She didn't think life would be so hard without them.
I love you.
It seems so simple to write, why is it so hard to say?
I have never told you. Will I have the opportunity to do it? I don't know. Everything is so uncertain.
I won't lie to you. I'm not safe, I haven't been for a long time. I can't blame anybody though, it's my choice. I chose to follow him. I will stay with them until the end.
The end. It makes me shiver to think about what would happen if we don't succeed. Would you be safe? No, not if he wins, and it terrifies me because if it happens, I certainly won't be there to protect you.
Can I hope for a bright future? I don't dare. I don't dream any more. Nights are painful. I always wonder if I'm going to live through them to see the sun rise again.
Magic is terrifying, it has condemned us to live in fear. I hate magic, and yet I know I won't ever give it up. It's a part of me, like I'm a part of it.
I've never talked to you about it either. I didn't know if you'd understand. You can't do magic, I can. You are muggle, I am not, not entirely at least.
Sometimes I wonder... wondered if I was really your child. Our situation isn't new - muggle parents who have a child able to do magic - it has already happened and will certainly happen again in the future...
Forgive my doubt, but it's sometimes easier to doubt than to face the truth.
If I wasn't your child, magic would have nothing to do with you. Your lives wouldn't be threatened... so much.
If I wasn't your child... But it does nothing to think about what could have happened.
I am your child. I'm proud of it, proud of you.
What am I writing this to you? I don't know. I need to do it. I need to tell you my fears because I can't tell them to the guys. They would understand, sure, but what good would it do?
I don't want to add my worries to theirs. They have enough to deal with on their own.
Then why am I bothering you? I have no answer... I just need to write my thoughts or else I think I might break down.
I need you. I need you more than anyone else in that world. I need you but I can't be with you, it would kill you.
My birth has made you their targets. I won't allow my weakness to put your lives on the line more than they already are.
I love you. I need you. I am a little girl who needs her parents.
I'm pitiful, crying over the scroll. I think the beginning of my letter will be unreadable because of the tears. I'm sorry. I feel sorry.
Will you forgive me for being weak? Will you forgive me for what I have done? For what I have taken from you? Because I stole your lives, your memories, your happiness. Merlin, I feel so sorry! I would like to be with you, to hug you, to tell you how much I love you.
I owe you everything, so much I won't ever be able to return the favour. I know you think I'm not supposed to, but it's not my opinion. I want to give you as much happiness as you gave me. I want to help you as much as you helped me. I want...
I'm selfishly talking about my desires again.
My eyelids are falling, if you were there, you would be telling me to go to bed straight away.
But you are not there...
[…]
I can't help it. I wrote to them again and, once again, I didn't finish the letter. How many have I already half-written? Five? Ten? More?
It's really stupid, I can't even send them – if they were finished of course – what if the Death Eaters found them because of my recklessness?
I can't allow myself to be selfish. I have to think about their safety first, it doesn't matter if it means I have to stay away.
I will do anything for them, I will endure anything, as long as I know they're safe... But it's hard. I'm not as strong as they all seem to think I am.
How many times did I lock myself away from the others to cry? My tears won't fall in front of them. Harry and Ron need me to be strong, my parents need me to be strong... Merlin, I didn't think life could be so painful!
If only I could hug my parents. If only... Crap! I'm crying again.
I miss them so much.
Will they be safe? Will we win?
I've remarked I always write these two questions when I'm about to put my pen down....
When will I get the damned answers?
Awarded 10 Points, by Zoe, on October 5 2011.